Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I needed the ocean today - and the sun and the wind. I needed the solitude found on a pier that no one else inhabits. I needed the clarity that comes from listening to the waves gently lapping onto the shore. Today I need to see with different eyes, to feel with a different heart, to listen with different ears. It has been a time of worry, a time of fear believing that my dear dog may die. It has been a time of gratitude tempered with longing and unwillingness to let go. It has been difficult to witness myself get angry, seeing my Pebbles so tortured; angry at Spirit, at everyone, at me. If I could have I would have gathered her in my arms and spirited us away somewhere far...just to soak up her essence uninterrupted. Now that she is mending I allow myself to grieve, to reach the vulnerable places of loneliness and sorrow. If only I could be the woman Pebbles believes me to be...brave and solid, unwavering and committed. There is a wobble in my gait all too often and I cannot rest with it.
Loving them, these beautiful small beings that love us unconditionally, means eventually letting them go. It means opening our hearts to their loving cuddles and risking the pain that will envelope us when they no longer meet us at the door. It means letting them all the way in and returning this gift of connection so that they know there will always be a warm hand, a bowl-full of food and a chin rub when they need.
This dog softened my heart…she opened me to a way of being that meant changing my entire world. And I have been granted more time with her – we dodged this bullet and I am grateful. Yet I have glimpsed the places in me that are not willing to accept, to be grateful for what time I have had with this dear one. I know that I will hold on for as long as I can and then release a scream of rage from the depths of my belly when holding on is no longer possible. And the ocean makes all of this incongruence…okay. Like the strong and tumultuous current beneath the calm surface of the water, my emotions do not negate my beliefs; they make everything more real, more rich and life more interesting to dive into. I exhale as I come to realize that loving Pebbles as much as I do is why I am here – on this planet – to come to understand the imperfection that comes with perfect love.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Sitting on the black rocks of Neck Point...there is an Otter playing or fishing in the water just beyond me. As far as my eye can see it is blue, blue, blue; blue ocean, blue sky, blue mountain behind the blue fog off in the distance. The rocks I sit on are littered with bright purple starfish that stand out as much as the bright stars against a midnight sky. Two kayakers move silently across the water in front of me and I watch them as they gracefully row beyond the horizon.
There is no resistance here, except for maybe the waves as they meet the rocks. Yet even so, the rocks are slowly being eroded by the water - Resistance is futile.
It is silent here; no human noise and really that is the only noise I recognize. All else is silence with the mutterings of nature in the background.
I can be so hard on myself and the ease of this place seems to bring my harshness to light. I judge myself for not working hard enough, not eating healthy enough, not being a good enough person. Out here, on Neck Point, this seems silly - that I occupy my time with judgement, that I occupy my mind with judgement. I know these are not my own for left to our own devices we humans would thrive on love and peace - me included. These judgements come from a society - a collective consciousness - that teaches us to judge rather than accept, to be rational rather than imaginative, to cage rather than free. Why? Because we believe we will find security within productivity and the amassing of wealth. I find security in my harsh judgement of myself because with it I am bound to the limits of society's productivity machine and therefore not risking a life beyond the whirligigs of it's mechanisms.
What if...I wonder...What if...as I sit on these black rocks thinking.